So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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