Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
