I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What happened to fro yo and sex?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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