I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
