Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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