did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
