the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
