i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
