I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
