that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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