He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
