My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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