just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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