She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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