you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
