he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
