Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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