she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
