Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
