I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
