That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
