She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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