Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
