i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
