I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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