The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
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Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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