Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
