I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
