Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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