...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love you.
Bad choice
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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