My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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