Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
