im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
