Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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