she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
