Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
