I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
