Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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