I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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