I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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