last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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