I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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