If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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