he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
