i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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