im having a threesome with these popsicles
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
