Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
