my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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