So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he thought i was a dude.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
