My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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