Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
