i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
