drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So vagazzling was a success
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
