You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My penis needs a shock collar
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
