my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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