wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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