Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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